‘You don’t get to hold people hostage with your grief’: 19-year-old gets a gentle reality check from the internet after not allowing their widowed father and his ‘new’ wife to attend their wedding

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Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Feb 17, 2024 7:00 AM EST

When you are a teenager everything, even the smallest insignificant thing, already feels like the biggest deal ever. So when you go through something traumatic for any age, it feels extra potent in its tragedy when you're at that age.

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  • Life is hard and you never know when you are going to experience your lowest of lows or highest of highs. Unfortunately for many, and for Reddit user Reasonable_Fix6525, their biggest trauma hit them in their adolescence. Reasonable_Fix6525 was only 14 years old when their mother suffered a horrible car accident. The crash left the mother in a vegetative state for five years. The husband, Reasonable_Fix6525's father, also experienced trauma but moved on after 4 years of caring for his wife. Now, he has a new wife and kid. That being said, he still tries to be very attentive to his kids. 

     

    However, Reasonable_Fix6525 got married recently and told their father that he could not bring his new family. The father tried to plead with them, even their brother, and the parents of her late mother tried to convince them, but as a 19-year-old, they felt like they were in the right and stood their ground. The father respected their wishes and didn't attend the wedding. 

     

    Reasonable_Fix6525 came to Reddit to vent and get confirmation of her actions, however, they did not get the response they wanted. Luckily, they seemed to reach an understanding group who was gently trying to let the teenager know that their actions weren't right, but that grief can make people do crazy things. Read the insightful lesson bestowed on the teen below. 

  • 01
    "Who would want the person they love to be miserable after they are gone?"
    via Pickpic
  • 02
    AITA My dad skipped my wedding because I wouldn't let him bring his affair partner and affair baby. My mom was in a car accident five years ago. She has been in the hospital since then. Three years ago my father got his affair partner pregnant and moved her into our home. My mom just passed away from a lung infection last year.
    via Reasonable_Fix6525
  • 03
    I (NB19) just got married last weekend to my husband (M22). My dad paid for my wedding but he wanted me to invite his affair partner and his affair baby. I said no. It would be disrespectful to the memory of my mom. He tried to insist but I held my ground. He finally just said he wished me a very happy day and that I had a long and happy marriage. And then he took his new family to Disney instead of coming to my wedding.
    via Reasonable_Fix6525
  • 04
    My brother Alex walked me down the aisle but that was always the plan. And he was also the one who I danced with for the family dance. My dad was just supposed to come as a guest. My husband is on my side but a lot of my family is upset with me for excluding my father and his affair family. Even Alex said I was wrong for what I did. But I don't think I am. AITA?
    via Reasonable_Fix6525
  • 05
    No_Lavishness_3206 · 2 hr. ago • edited 2 hr. ago EDIT After your answers I'm going with NAH. You are very young, and very angry about your mom. I get that. But you mom was dead the day of the accident. Your dad most likely did not divorce her so she could stay on his insurance. You are grieving. You lost your mom at 14. I can't even imagine. That earns you a lot of grace. Your dad loves you enough to pay for your wedding and stay away so as to not upset you. I understand that too. And I am on a
    via No_Lavishness_3206
  • 06
    Maybe sit and have an adult conversation with him. I hope you have a great life. First congratulations on your wedding. Second I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. Okay please forgive me for praying. I have some questions. You said your mom was in a coma. Can you say more? You say affair partner. Was your dad cheating on your mom before the accident? Can you try to explain why your family, including your brother think you. are wrong? It seems pretty clear cut that they should think your dad is an
    via No_Lavishness_3206
  • 07
    Thriftless_Ambition 1 hr. ago If I was in an accident that led me to be in a vegetative state, I actively would WANT my partner to be able to move forward and find love again. This has got to be the most understandable thing in the world...like who would want the person they love to be miserable after they are gone? 512 Share
    via Thriftless_Ambition
  • 08
    01 Unable_Pumpkin987 · 47 min. ago Yes, calling it an "affair" when the wife in question is essentially dead is not really fair to anyone. I hope to god that if I was ever in an accident that could kill me that it just kills me cleanly, so my husband can mourn and move on with his life. I would never want to put him through the pain of having to mourn my loss while I'm still physically there and legally his wife. Heartbreaking! Vote Share
    via Unable_Pumpkin987
  • 09
    desertstar91 · 1 hr. ago Yes they're grieving but you also don't get to hold people hostage with your grief either. Their Dad is also grieving the loss of his wife. While grief is a personal and unique to the person, speaking from experience, it can also make people make terrible decisions and treat the ones they love terribly because sometimes grief makes people really selfish. Which ultimately seems to be the case here. 103 Share
    via desertstar91
  • 10
    PhilosophyCareless88 · 46 min. ago They actually further explain it wasn't even a coma, their mother was brain dead. Vote Share
    via PhilosophyCareless88
  • 11
    atealein 2 hr. ago edited 2 hr. ago Supreme Court Just- [140] Gently, YTA. In your comments you say "My mom was in a persistent vegetable status. It's like a coma. My dad met his affair partner at a support group after the accident but while he was still married to my mom. My family thinks I'm wrong because my mom got into the accident because she was high. They have all forgiven my father for moving on. Even my mom's parents asked me to accept his affair partner.
    via atealein
  • 12
    1/ Your mom is in a vegetative state. That means her brain was not working properly anymore. There is (often) no chance to return from this. There is also no way to truly "end a marriage" unless your father chose to divorce her formally or wait until she passed away. In that sense she was closer to being legally dead (although not "legally dead", since her brain stem was still working to provide vegetative functions to the nervous system). The person your mom used to be was gone. 2/ If there is
    via atealein
  • 13
    3/ Your dad is supporting you (at very least financially) and honoring your decisions (even when they are excluding him and his partner and child) while you are showing him quite the disrespect. You say it would have been disrespectful to the memory of your mom for him to be there with his new partner and happy for you, while he is also happy and being able to continue his life? Do you expect him to be forever grieving your mom? Do you think him choosing to live on is disrespectful and he should
    via atealein
  • 14
    The fact that even your mom's parents are okay with him moving on with his life should already tell you your grudge against this woman is a projection of your anger of what happened with your mom. Do you think that if she hadn't come into your father's life your mom would have miraculously recovered? That him chosing to move on "killed" your mom? Is that why you are so determined to punish his new family?
    via atealein
  • 15
    Sweet-Fancy-Moses23 2 hr. ago · edited 47 min. ago They met at a support group when they were both grieving the loss of a loved one.If OP could not stand the sight of their father in their wedding, they should have also refused his money on principle. The father on the other hand did not create any ruckus, hid his hurt and pain that he must have felt by OP's decision. OP, you need therapy to process your pain and anger and reconcile with your father. 587 Share
    via Sweet-Fancy-Moses23
  • 16
    Thedonkeyforcer . 46 min. ago Generally people in a coma are pretty in a lot of ways. My dad wasn't in a vegetative state but my mom had the biggest troubles stopping his pension because he couldn't sign the papers. She needed to take on her bad girl nurse voice to finally get the bureaukrats on the other end to understand that he was unconscious and not able to sign anything.
    via Thedonkeyforcer
  • 17
    OP is acting like a mourning teen kid and should be given grace for that. They're still in a time of their life where they believe in "forever and ever and the only one" and they'll probably be quite ashamed of their behavior when they grow older. Luckily dad seems like a champ giving OP the chance to mourn and react however they react and still make sure he has a few slices of happiness in his life. Soft YTA, OP. You need to start dealing with your mourning and as many, many others have pointed
    via Thedonkeyforcer

  • Want more drama? Read up on how this L.A. renter stuck it to her scummy landlord and got free months of rent for her and her neighbors!

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family drama widowed husband moving on teenagers dealing with grief teenager dealing with grief grief Reddit
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